Have you ever stopped and allowed yourself to fall into a state of admiration? If not, I encourage you to. Allow yourself to view your surroundings as if you have never seen them before; notice the shape of buildings, the vibrancy of colors, and the way that the size and shape of the room you are in make you feel. Let your body become aware; feel the chair beneath you or the wind on your face or the presence of those around you. Most importantly, look at those you love. Don’t stop with looking at their obvious features; look at the way their hair frames their face, the movement of their hands, the look in their eyes as they experience their own existence. Identify their quirks. Appreciate their intricate identifiers that make them who they are. Open your senses, and open your mind– allow yourself to be overwhelmed by how immensely beautiful it is to just be alive.
For all of the Hell that my mind and my emotional disposition cause me, I don’t know if I would change them. Why? I look to those I am surrounded by, and I see beauty. Though sometimes my overwhelming tide of emotions is immensely painful, there are times– like right now, as I sit amongst these souls that I have connected with so effortlessly– that I am overwhelmed with admiration. I was in the midst of studying when I looked up and realized that I am surrounded by people that have each impacted everything about who I am. I am experiencing time with three other people; yet numerous others move around us, living their own lives and using their own minds to comprehend their surroundings. In this exact moment in time, someone is being born, someone is falling in love, someone is forcing oxygen into his or her lungs for the very last time– everything is happening around me, yet here I am, confined to my own mind and my own experiences. But through the connections I have created with these people that I spend my time with, I am not in isolation. Though I only have direct access to the the mind that is sheltered within my brain, I can converse with others and connect our souls via the threads of conversation.
I don’t know what my purpose is, or if I even have one at all. I don’t know what happens when my body decays past the point of reparation. I am unable to answer the question of the meaning of life. That doesn’t matter. What matters, to me, is the connections that I create while I exist. Rather than remaining preoccupied with the details of death or worrying about the questions that I may never have an answer to, I focus on admiring existence as it manifests itself in everything around me.
Currently, I am watching the way that my friend (I won’t mention his name for the sake of confidentiality) muses. When he smiles, his upper lip flattens slightly and his lower lip becomes more prominent as he tries to conceal the smirk that works its way into his cheeks; against his will, his lower eye lids raise and his eyes tell me that he is amused by the text I sent him, though he doesn’t want to admit it. He looks to see our other friends immersed in their own studies and oblivious to our hidden conversation. Back to me, back to his phone, back to me– his eyes move as he gauges my reaction to the text he just sent. I am intrigued by his mind; I am intrigued by the minds of everyone that I encounter. His eyes widen when he is intrigued; he covers his mouth when he laughs. Why? He is deep in thought– I watch him hesitate as his fingers hover over his phone– eye contact, an eyebrow raise– we communicate in silence. In his mind, his own experience is running rampant; his thoughts are whispering and tumbling and fusing to form his reality. I see his mind in work and I find it to be beautiful.
In this moment, it does not matter what my purpose is; death itself is irrelevant. In this state of admiration, the only thing that matters is experiencing existence itself.